Wedding Nausea
by Ivory Tower
Summary: It's Lily's wedding day and everyone has something to gripe about. A harsh jab at all those wedding fics that make you want to gag.


Title: Wedding Nausea  
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.  
  
A/N: All things that make sense do not apply in this story, so just enjoy the ride.  
  
Lily Evans awoke with a smile on her beautiful face. On a couch nearby, Ron Weasley says, "She must be receiving oral sex under those sheets to be smiling like that."   
  
Harry hits Ron.  
  
"Shut up, Ron! It's my mum's wedding day. She has every right to be happy."  
  
"Bully for her. We're being forced to experience it, aren't we?"  
  
Lily's beautiful smile fades. She glares at the two boys and tells them to shut up. Then, she turns to Dumbledore, who is patiently standing by the closet.  
  
"You may begin narrarating, Headmaster."  
  
Dumbledore bows, pops a lemon drop, and begins.   
  
"Today would be the most wonderful day of young Lily's painfully short life-aside from the birth of her son, Harry, of course. A day she had waited for like a dream come true."  
  
Ron proceeds to emulate vomiting noises. Harry also looks nauseated, but elbows Ron anyway. Hermione suddenly appears between the two, eating a bowl of Captain Crunch.  
  
"Did I miss anything?"  
  
"Not much," reply Ron and Harry simultaneously.  
  
Lily proceeded to yawn, smile and stretch, though not necessarily in that order. She glanced out the window from her four poster bed and thought, 'What a beautiful day for a wedding!'  
  
Just then, Snape and Lucius kick the door open and rush in, blaring Billy Idol's "White Wedding" and singing along while head banging.   
  
"Rebel yell!" shouts Dumbledore, beginning to rock out until Lily frowns at him. He stops and once more becomes the subdued Headmaster of Hogwarts. Clearing his throat, Dumbledore continues his narration, "With a dreamy sigh, Lily got out of bed and put on her white satin robe-  
  
"That is *my* white satin robe!"  
  
"Be silent, Lucius! Lily walked over to the picturesque window and gazed out at the sun and sky and trees."  
  
Harry, in a high falsetto, says, "And coconuts and limes and breakfast cereals!"  
  
Lily and Dumbledore frown at him while Ron, Hermione, Snape and Lucius snicker.  
  
"Is this fic almost over?" asks Sirius, exiting the bathroom wearing only a towel.  
  
"No!" shout the others.  
  
Someone knocked on the door, startling the fair Lily from her daydreaming of Sirius minus the towel.  
  
"Come in," she granted sweetly, turning around.   
  
"Her husband-to-be walked in, smiling at her," narrates Dumbledore, opening a Coke.  
  
"He had a hatchet behind his back, you see," commented Snape, unable to keep silent.  
  
"If only we could be so lucky, "adds Ron, getting up and poking around the bedroom.  
  
Lily stomps over, slaps Snape then smacks Ron's hand to drop her diary. She then runs back over to James, smiling wide.  
  
"How are you darling?" asks James in a strained voice, then coughs and exhales a huge amount of smoke. Lucius rushes over to inhale the smoke and is knocked aside by an angry Lily.  
  
"Oh, I am wonderful! You?" replies Lily, inhaling the rest of the smoke.  
  
"Great babe. Sleep well?"  
  
"Aside from the alien abduction, yes. I mean-oh yes! Oh, James! I love you so!"  
  
"Isn't this wonderful?" beams Dumbledore, then turns around and snickers behind his hands.  
  
Lily wrapped her arms around James and they kissed passionately!  
  
Harry gags.  
  
"Get a room, you two!"  
  
"They have a room, Harry. We're in it." Hermione reminds him.  
  
"Oh-right."  
  
Snape, Lucius, Ron and Sirius gag at the romantic scene. Hermione glares at them and crunches her Captain Crunch. Lupin enters the room smoking a Marlboro 100, surveys the scene, and sits in a regal chair beside the dresser.  
  
"At this point, I would rather be reading 'The Old Man and the Sea," remarks the snarky Snape, seating himself on the ivory bench at the foot of the bed.  
  
"I love you too, Lily. In fact, I wrote a special song just for you. Would you like to hear it?"  
  
"Fucking Merlin, no!" cries Lucius, falling beside Snape.  
  
"This is a joke, right?" asks Harry hopefully.  
  
Snape begins to mumble something akin to, "'Moby Dick'...'Moby Dick'..."  
  
Dumbledore spritzes his mouth with breath freshener and continues, "Lily gasped with happiness radiating from her face."  
  
"Oh yes, James, I'd love to hear it," exclaimed Lily, clapping her pretty little fair hands.  
  
Lupin exhales smoke and says, "We can only hope for a massive catastrophe to claim their lives in the next five seconds."  
  
"That's rather not jolly of you, Moony."  
  
"It's nearly my time of the month, Padfoot. Are you going to put any clothes on?"  
  
"No...do you think I should?"  
  
"No!" yell Lily and Hermione.  
  
Dumbledore states, "James stepped back while still holding Lily's fair hands. Locking eyes with his one true love, his soul mate eternal, he began to sing."  
  
"Stop the fic, now!" shouts Ron.  
  
Harry placed his fingers in his ears and proceeded to hum most loudly. Sirius, Lupin, Lucius and Snape stare with horror-filled eyes. Hermione looks ready to float in rapture.  
  
"Baby, you're my everything. My diamond dust. For you I lust. But it's more than that, you see. You and me."   
  
Ron pounds his head on the arm of the couch and cries, "Make it stop! Make it stop! Make it stop!"  
  
Lupin lights two more cigarettes.  
  
"'A Tale of Two Cities'!" screams Snape. "'Little Women'! The original version of 'Beowulf'!"  
  
James smiled dopily and kissed Lily's tearstained cheek.   
  
"That was so beautiful!" Lily gasped. "I can't believe this is our wedding day!"  
  
"Neither can I. James, you suck." complains Sirius.  
  
"Harry slowly removes his fingers from his ears and-I mean-" Dumbledore coughs and says, "Suddenly, the fair Lily smiled and swatted James' hand."  
  
"You're not supposed to see the bride until it's time!"  
  
"Time for what?" asks Ron, clueless.  
  
"Time to die! Die all of you!" snarls Lucius, clutching fistfuls of his long blond hair.  
  
"Calm down, Lucius," says Dumbledore, handing him a paper sack. "Breathe deeply now, my lad. Oh, I'm on! Ahem, the morning passed quickly as Lily and her friends readied themselves for the big event. They were so excited!"  
  
Lupin looks bewildered.  
  
"Wait a minute. Where'd James go?" he asks.  
  
"He's dead!"   
  
"Shut up, Ron! He more than likely fell into a plot hole as shall we," explained Harry.  
  
A moment later, they were all sitting in a lovely Lothlorian type garden with other wedding guests. Dumbledore stood at the altar, smiling and eating M&M's. He always performed these important ceremonies because he's Dumbledore. He continued to report what Lily and the bridesmaids were doing inside the enchanting silken pavilion.  
  
"Lily admired her reflection in the mirror. She wore a beautiful white dress-" Dumbledore is suddenly overwhelmed with the chuckles again. Harry frowns at him and sinks in his seat while the others smirk. Hermione looks stunned. "-made of silk, satin, velvet and lice."  
  
"Lice!" exclaims Sirius and laughs uncontrollably.  
  
"Well, it is a step up from crabs, I suppose," declares Lupin, lighting another cigarette.  
  
Dumbledore really gets into his role, oblivious to his error.  
  
"The low-cut V-neck was embroidered with tiny sequins and pearls. Lily's high heels were covered with white lace-"  
  
"You mean lice?"  
  
"Be silent, Severus!-with real diamonds on the toes and running up the back of the heels. Lily also wore a diamond tiara, diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, diamond bracelet..."  
  
Sirius: Diamond thong.  
  
Lucius: Diamond nipple clamps.  
  
Snape: Diamond dildo.  
  
Remus: Whoa! This is getting out of hand.  
  
Harry is overwhelmed.  
  
"I knew my parents were rich. But holy shit!"  
  
Hermione sighs with dreamy approval.  
  
"...her long red hair was done up in a gorgeous french twist; several long, curly stands framed her oval face stylishly. Lily wore just the right amount of makeup and glittery mauve lipstick."  
  
"Courtesy of Black, here." mutters Snape  
  
"Cram it, Snivellus!" retorts Sirius, still clad in his sexy towel.  
  
Dumbledore smiled at everyone and continued, "Lily felt like the most beautiful woman in the world."  
  
"In her lice infested dress."  
  
"Be quiet, Ron!" hissed Hermione with a ferocious glare as she poured another bowlful of Captain Crunch.  
  
"At least it's not crabs."  
  
"Harry! That's your mother!"  
  
"I'm sorry, but this story is really getting to me. Let me out!"   
  
Harry jumps up and begins waving his arms at the sky. Hermione pulls him back down with a reproachful expression.  
  
A nervous thrill overcame Lily as when it was TIME. The wedding music began.  
  
"Bring forth the virgin to the sacrificial stone!" yelled Lucius, eating peanuts.   
  
"Shhh!" hissed the other wedding guests.   
  
Lucius and Snape smirked at each other and chowed down on peanuts. Dumbledore described Lily's every move even though everyone could plainly see her.  
  
"On shaky legs, Lily floated down the aisle."  
  
"Floated? Lily, are you possessed?" inquired Remus, straining to get a better look at her.  
  
"Maybe she sniffed rubber cement prior to the ceremony," offered Sirius.  
  
"When James joined Lily and everyone else took their places-"  
  
"Wait a minute. Mooney, why aren't we in the ceremony as well?"  
  
"I guess we're not *good* enough. Are we Lily?" shouts Remus at the bride, fumbling with his pack of ciggies.  
  
"-Verdale, one of the best men, began to sing." concluded Dumbledore, for the time being.  
  
The two marauders exchanged puzzled looks with Snape, Lucius, Ron, Hermione and Harry.  
  
"Who the fuck is Verdale?" demanded Sirius.  
  
"Merlin's fuckhouse! There's going to be more singing!" shrieked Ron, panic-stricken.  
  
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh!" yelled Harry.  
  
"Not again!" screams Lucius.  
  
"'Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory'-wait! That's a good book!" yells Snape.  
  
THE SONG  
  
"Sunrise. Sunshine for you, my love. Waterfalls. Daylilies. The scent of you forevermore..."  
  
Lupin proceeds to bang his head on the completely out of place coffee table.  
  
"My fifth year history book! Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea!" sobs Snape, truly resembling a corpse.  
  
THE SONG  
  
"...All the best for you, my love. We are one. Dreams of old come true at last. The sum of us cannot be broken."  
  
Harry rips open a beautiful lilac pillow and proceeds to poke stuffing into his ears.  
  
THE SONG  
  
"I love you baaaaaaaaaaaaay-beeeeeeeeeeeeee! Nothing will ever come between us."  
  
Remus is now smoking ten cigarettes simultaneously.  
  
"When the song ended, Lily and James faced me, ready to exchange their wedding vows." states Dumbledore.  
  
"I vow revenge upon whoever wrote this piece of shit!" spat Snape, glaring at each and every wedding guest.  
  
"What?" asks Harry, stuffing coming out of his ears.  
  
"Do you, James, take Lily to be your lawful wedded wife. To have and to hold..."  
  
"To fondle with screwdrivers," mutters Lucius.  
  
The others give him odd looks.  
  
"When the wedding was over. Everyone went to the reception," said Dumbledore suddenly.  
  
Ron raised his eyebrows and said, "Damn! That was the quickest wedding I've ever seen!"  
  
Sirius frowned. "Now hold on, here. Most of the wedding ceremony was left out, yet we were forced to endure those stupid songs! Let's form a mob and destroy whoever is responsible for this with torches and pitchforks!"  
  
"Here! Here!" shout Ron, Lupin, Harry, Lucius and Snape.  
  
THE RECEPTION  
  
"Hooray! Cake!" shouted Frodo Baggins and his other little hobbit friends.  
  
This was too much for even Hermione, who shook her head and said, "I won't ask."  
  
"Look, Harry! Champagne!"  
  
"And filet mignon!"  
  
Dumbledore quickly rushed to the center of the room and spoke, "After dinner they all danced."  
  
"Walrus dick!" blasphemed Snape, who hadn't taken a bite. Nor had anyone else for that matter.  
  
"Can we do the hokey pokey?" asked Merry.  
  
"I refuse to do that pathetic Muggle dance," sniffed the regal Lucius Malfoy.  
  
Lily waltzed with James, who was just now coming down from his Hobbit Weed.  
  
"Oh, James! I feel just like a princess. If only the day could last forever.  
  
Others: No! No!  
  
James smiled and winked.  
  
"There's always tonight."  
  
Harry looked positively ill. Remus, Sirius, Snape, Lucius and Hermione exchanged smirks.  
  
Then, Dumbledore again rushed to the center of the room and shouted, "FIN!"  
  
All cheer and blow party favors.  
  
A/N: All sudden changes of verb tense are entirely intentional. Tolkien and his estate own all rights to the hobbits and all Lord of the Rings characters and concepts. 


End file.
